A Bench By The Lake

I had been anticipating this moment for about four years.

The chance to talk to you and have a conversation that would make me feel free again.

I know I said I wanted to talk to you about what happened…so here it goes.

 

The night before the retreat approached, as I pondered my thoughts of the upcoming weekend, I was excited to know that in less than 24 hours, I would be in the midst of your presence.

I called your house that night wondering if you would answer as my legs shook because I had not dialed those digits in years. I mistakingly thought that this was the moment that God planned out for us to finally open up about things.

I drove up that morning thinking God had my back and that if one thing didn’t pull through, He had a plan.

As we started off our weekend, every time I saw you, all I wanted was that piece inside of me to finally brew.

That night in our cabin, I was nervous to even approach you, knowing that through all these years I lost all I knew about you and all the times we shared were gone. I was no longer a friend, just another girl in the cabin.

As our cabin started to quiet down, I cried myself to sleep that night knowing that I would never have the guts to talk to you and things would never be the same between us again. The person I felt so distant from was just a breath underneath me. All the thoughts seemed to consume my brain as I just wanted to wake you up and go talk with you outside, but I couldn’t do it.

The next morning came and we ate breakfast together. Things were uncomfortable for me as I sat right next to you, the most shy and nervous I had ever been. I had the feeling that I wasn’t good enough to be by your side and in our conversation every word that came from my mouth was being judged. I felt as if you had better people to sit next to than someone like me who had put you through some stupid stuff.

As breakfast ended, someone pulled me aside and asked how my experience was. I wanted to talk to him about what was really going on, but I didn’t. In the middle of our conversation was when the emotions were too much and I just began to break down in tears. I said I was okay and walked out of the mess hall onto a bench by the lake.

That’s when you came along…

As I sat there crying, I was angry with God and asked for any kind of help, and He came through.

You came up to me asking what was wrong and I ignored you.

Why would I send you away when what I had longed for was sitting right next to me?

After you left, the tears only came faster, and my pain just felt deeper.

For so long, I just wanted you by my side and I finally got that, but I sent you away.

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I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if people are looking because they see joy.

I look around and I see eyes. I look up and I see a smile.

The world makes it seem like joy doesn’t exist. People are so lost and they are okay with it!

Why is it people are so lost?

Has the devil really done that good of a job?

I really think people’s eyes need to be opened.

God’s Plan

There are things that may seem to be true but I have yet to show you my glory.

I want to give you the world yet you only see what’s in front of you.

Don’t you know the love I have for you is much greater?

I have found the path for you, are you willing to see it come to pass?

There are things you have yet to see and I will be the one to show you, not anything nor anyone else.

Be careful who you trust as the devil is snaring within the area.

He wants to distract you and bring you into destruction.

Yet fear not the devil nor man, as either will lead you elsewhere.

Sometimes you may think I am not present.

You should know I am with you always.

Nothing will ever separate me from the love I have for you.

Listen to me.

Know that I am good.

Know that I have never left.

Know that my glory will be shown among you.

The time is near.

Adhere to my word and keep your temperance.

Keep your temperance and know I am good.

Why I’m Writing

A lot of things changed for me last night. I realized what I should’ve known all along. You let go and I was still hanging on. How could I think you had still wanted me when you obviously went and saw someone else? I knew we fell apart but I still don’t understand why you never even tried to contact me. You now come around like you don’t notice it hurts me every time. You didn’t even smile or speak to any of us last night. I guess now I can see what happens when you fall. You let go of everything then you watch yourself loose it all. Maybe I’m into it more than I should be but damn, why did you have to leave? There was something that upset you but you continue to look forward. I wanted to love you last night but now i never will, I think I’ll move on and just let go. After all, that’s why I’m writing.

Moments Like This

There are moments like this where you believe in fantasy. You actually believe that something you’ve imagined is coming true. It’s crazy how I’ve learned to somehow control these thoughts and decide whether they are worth my time. Remember those moments where you doubted everything, even the pain in your finger? Try doubting the pain in your heart. Try waking up and ignoring the fact that you are still completely broken. With all your strength inside, it is still impossible to please anyone. But there it is again, I’ve realized something…I can’t do it on my own. As much as I want to believe in my strength and my ability to keep resilience through any situation, I am nothing on my own. I need something…Just like all of us, I need something. You have your coffee and pills, the mary or the lucy, the fitness or the shame, the love or the hate. Whatever is it, you have it, you use it, you abuse it, you loose it. You always seem to end up loosing it, whether it drains your energy, drains your bank, or drains your emotions. We seem to loose everything at one point another…but really if we loose everything than why try? Well maybe that’s where we become worth something.