I had been anticipating this moment for about four years.
The chance to talk to you and have a conversation that would make me feel free again.
I know I said I wanted to talk to you about what happened…so here it goes.
The night before the retreat approached, as I pondered my thoughts of the upcoming weekend, I was excited to know that in less than 24 hours, I would be in the midst of your presence.
I called your house that night wondering if you would answer as my legs shook because I had not dialed those digits in years. I mistakingly thought that this was the moment that God planned out for us to finally open up about things.
I drove up that morning thinking God had my back and that if one thing didn’t pull through, He had a plan.
As we started off our weekend, every time I saw you, all I wanted was that piece inside of me to finally brew.
That night in our cabin, I was nervous to even approach you, knowing that through all these years I lost all I knew about you and all the times we shared were gone. I was no longer a friend, just another girl in the cabin.
As our cabin started to quiet down, I cried myself to sleep that night knowing that I would never have the guts to talk to you and things would never be the same between us again. The person I felt so distant from was just a breath underneath me. All the thoughts seemed to consume my brain as I just wanted to wake you up and go talk with you outside, but I couldn’t do it.
The next morning came and we ate breakfast together. Things were uncomfortable for me as I sat right next to you, the most shy and nervous I had ever been. I had the feeling that I wasn’t good enough to be by your side and in our conversation every word that came from my mouth was being judged. I felt as if you had better people to sit next to than someone like me who had put you through some stupid stuff.
As breakfast ended, someone pulled me aside and asked how my experience was. I wanted to talk to him about what was really going on, but I didn’t. In the middle of our conversation was when the emotions were too much and I just began to break down in tears. I said I was okay and walked out of the mess hall onto a bench by the lake.
That’s when you came along…
As I sat there crying, I was angry with God and asked for any kind of help, and He came through.
You came up to me asking what was wrong and I ignored you.
Why would I send you away when what I had longed for was sitting right next to me?
After you left, the tears only came faster, and my pain just felt deeper.
For so long, I just wanted you by my side and I finally got that, but I sent you away.